A glimpse of Heaven

He doesn't want anything from me. We meet for coffee and I tell him how I'm doing, then he pays the bill, slips something into my bag and is off until the next time. That's the pattern of our life. It all started as a simple date. He was a bit older and I liked him well enough but I didn't know if it was going to go anywhere because... well whores can't really afford to date, now can they? This had been going on for about 2 weeks with no sex, no demands, just perfect gentility, and I was really enjoying myself with how human being with him made me feel when suddenly out of the blue he stopped calling all together. I tried to pretend that it didn't bother me, but the truth was that it crushed me. When you've never had any one treat you well you don't think much of it, in fact you don't even know that it's a possibility until the moment it happens and as soon as it does... you get hooked. You start to think that you might be worth something, that you're not just a bag of tricks and dirty moments. My friends all took the tough love route; it was only 2 weeks after all, so why are you crying? They meant well but it didn't help one bit. This was half a year ago. Things resolved themselves in the strangest of ways. He called me and begged for forgiveness and asked to see. Like a love struck puppy of course I said yes, and as usual we had a wonderful date only this time he asked me back to his place and promptly proceeded to tell me what he knew about me which is to say, everything. I thought that this was his way of being cruel and clever; inviting me over as a friend or lover and then making me perform as his sex slave but no... he didn't want to have sex with me. He didn't want me to be his slave at all. In fact he told me that he wouldn't have sex with me and the possiblity of a romance was nil... instead he would become my patron... to give me an alternative to doing this. I didn't understand, I don't understand, I just cried and sobbed and cried some more. And so that is the way it is between us. We meet every other week for coffee or supper and he slides me way too much money, pays for dinner, and then he's off. Before he departs he always tells me that I am worth more than this and he's looking forward to the day that I stop. I smile and say, 'Oh, getting tired of being my benefactour?', and he responds, 'No, not that, I look forward to the day you stop seeing others in that way.' And then he's gone. I don't understand him. I certainly appreciate him and on some level think I love him... I don't know what I am or feel anymore... not that I ever did, but I think on some level had convinced myself that I had it all figured out... Knowing him has sure made doing this much more complicated than it ever was before. What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do?

-The Tart